Waiting...
Life isn't fair. In fact, sometimes, it just plain sucks. About 2 years ago, my husband and I started a journey and had no idea where it would lead, or if it would lead anywhere at all. And, it did lead somewhere; somewhere wonderful. And, I was determined...determined that, if I had things my way, I was going to be pregnant by Christmas. And, then I was...wow. Still in shock and disbelief, I spent 2 weeks pregnant with a baby that truly was a miracle. I mean, ALL babies are a miracle, I know. But, we had decided to not have any more babies 5 years ago. But, now, everything had changed and this baby was a true miracle...
And now I'm angry. I never thought this was a possibility for me. I truly believed my body was not capable of doing this to me. But, it is. And, it has. I am sad, of course. And, I have never grieved like this. But, I don't have time to grieve, for I need to be a mom, a great mom, to these two children I already have with me. And, I need to make wonderful Christmas memories for them. I can't be sad. Not now. So, I try to move forward with this heart full of grief and sadness. I pull myself together. I cannot be angry. But, still, I am. Why me? Why now? We fought so hard, and for what? I know, we can try again. And, we will, of course. But, still, I can't make sense of this. I just can't.
I named my baby. I wrote this baby a letter, and I spent a day to myself while my wonderful husband took the kids out for the day. I cried. I mourned. I begged God for answers. Then, I cleaned and baked; anything to take my mind off of why I felt the way I felt. And, still there were no answers. And, I suppose there never will be. And, I need to accept that, right? Right. I have no other option.
I laughed today. I danced around and sang with my kids. I felt joy and some peace. But, the pain is still there. And, I don't know how to make it stop. I feel empty, and I just want my miracle back. I pray God blesses us again. He just has to. God, You just have to.
And so I wait. Wait for the heaviness to lift, wait for this void to fill, wait for my next miracle. I've never felt anything like this, and I pray I never do again. I tell God I trust Him, and just hope I truly mean it. I tell Him I know He has a plan, and I say "Your will be done", and I pray my heart lines up with those words. For, He knows my heart and I do not. And, if I'm honest, I'm a little afraid of that. But, He knows me. He knows everything about me. And, still He loves me. And, if He only intends good for me then there must be a plan, right? There must be.
So, I wait...
And now I'm angry. I never thought this was a possibility for me. I truly believed my body was not capable of doing this to me. But, it is. And, it has. I am sad, of course. And, I have never grieved like this. But, I don't have time to grieve, for I need to be a mom, a great mom, to these two children I already have with me. And, I need to make wonderful Christmas memories for them. I can't be sad. Not now. So, I try to move forward with this heart full of grief and sadness. I pull myself together. I cannot be angry. But, still, I am. Why me? Why now? We fought so hard, and for what? I know, we can try again. And, we will, of course. But, still, I can't make sense of this. I just can't.
I named my baby. I wrote this baby a letter, and I spent a day to myself while my wonderful husband took the kids out for the day. I cried. I mourned. I begged God for answers. Then, I cleaned and baked; anything to take my mind off of why I felt the way I felt. And, still there were no answers. And, I suppose there never will be. And, I need to accept that, right? Right. I have no other option.
I laughed today. I danced around and sang with my kids. I felt joy and some peace. But, the pain is still there. And, I don't know how to make it stop. I feel empty, and I just want my miracle back. I pray God blesses us again. He just has to. God, You just have to.
And so I wait. Wait for the heaviness to lift, wait for this void to fill, wait for my next miracle. I've never felt anything like this, and I pray I never do again. I tell God I trust Him, and just hope I truly mean it. I tell Him I know He has a plan, and I say "Your will be done", and I pray my heart lines up with those words. For, He knows my heart and I do not. And, if I'm honest, I'm a little afraid of that. But, He knows me. He knows everything about me. And, still He loves me. And, if He only intends good for me then there must be a plan, right? There must be.
So, I wait...
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