My hope is in You...

Ok...I'm going to talk about something a little uncomfortable. I'm going to talk about illness. I'm a Christian. I believe in miracles. I believe in healing. I believe God dealt with sickness and disease once and for all when He sent His son to die on the cross. I believe, but... Here I am, sick. And I don't mean I have a cold, or a flu, or something to that effect. I mean, I'm really sick.

About 7.5 years ago I was told I had postpartum depression after having my second child and was experiencing severe anxiety and insomnia. I was put on all sorts of meds, and a lot of them made me sick. And then I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and my meds changed. A little over a year ago, the skin issues started, and I've been battling stomach problems for some time now. I've been covered in hives every night for over a month.  I don't remember the last time I was healthy. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere... The anxiety is often more than I can bear. I am in a constant state of panic, for no reason. 

The symptoms I'm experiencing are progressing and worsening, and some days I feel it's more than I can take. I know that God is in control, but it's hard to trust at times. And when I see one of my children struggling with the same symptoms I'm experiencing, my heart breaks and it feels so hopeless. Even though we are close to a diagnosis and I should feel hope, I don't because it means a life of treatment and management of symptoms, flare ups and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. I feel fear, even though the Bible tells me not to fear. It's hard because I'm just so scared.

Why am I telling you this? I'm telling because I have a favor to ask... Will you be patient with me? Will you extend me some grace? Will you please understand when I don't show up, or I don't call? When I say I can't make it, when I change plans, when you don't hear from me for a while? Will you pray for me? Will you lend me some of your faith when I just don't have enough? Will you believe with me, sometimes for me, for healing?

The Bible tells me that when I am weak, He is strong. There is nothing He can't do. I know that. I cling to that. And when I just can't seem to find the strength, He has given me some amazing people in my life to help carry me through. 

I'm going to keep believing, keep moving, keep pushing forward even when I feel so sad it's debilitating. I know God is bigger and nothing is impossible for Him...

This is my anthem, keeps playing over and over in my mind, and I will rest in that today:

I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries "Glory
Hallelujah, Father, You're here!"

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I will wait on You
You are my refuge
I will wait on You
You are my refuge

My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm

A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, yeah
My hope is in You, Lord