I Am A Mess

 You're a mess.

Those were the words spoken to me 10 years ago by someone I loved and trusted. A friend. I was a young mom of just 27, with 2 toddlers and a husband who worked shift work.  I was stressed out, with anxiety and insomnia, and had recently moved provinces where we had to start all over again. I had left the only home I had ever known. I was desperate for friends. I was desperate to be accepted. I was desperate for help, any kind of help, which left me in a very vulnerable state. 

I met someone who I thought had it all figured out. She seemed like the perfect wife and mother, and oh how I longed to be like her. So, I tried. I tried and I tried, and I just kept failing. Then one day, I'll never forget it, she called me up for a very real and raw conversation and said, "Sara, you're a mess!" My heart sank. She didn't say it playfully. She didn't say it lovingly. It was a harsh slap in the face, only confirming what I already thought about myself. I remember her asking me how I felt after she basically reamed me out, pointing out all the areas where I was falling short. I just sobbed and said, " I just want to go back home". At the time, that wasn't an option. So, the friendship ended and I was faced with this dilemma: how was I going to get out of my mess? She hadn't told me how. She hadn't left me with any advice, a shoulder to lean on, a friend. I was just. A. Mess. 

 This memory came to me while I was praying the other night . I'm not sure why, perhaps it's because my husband and I are so passionate to help others and I remembered how badly I felt when I needed someone and there was nobody there. Looking back, I was a mess. But, aren't we all? When I look back at that time in my life, and look at how I was treated, I think 'Lord, don't let me ever do that to someone!'  The last thing that I needed was for someone to tell me I was a mess, then leave me in it to try to pick up the pieces all alone. 

10 years later, I can see how God used that time in my life to not only teach me, but to strengthen me and give me a story I could use years later to help others in their "mess". Because, let's face it, we are all a mess. We all have areas we fall short. And, the last thing anyone needs is someone to point out their failures then leave them alone to feel condemned. I was so insecure that I couldn't see that God could use me. That I was enough. That God loved and valued me. That I was the perfect mother for my kids, because after all God gave them to me. That even though there were things I needed to work on, God had a plan for me and He would see me through; He wouldn't leave me in my mess if I would trust Him, if I would lay my burdens at His feet and allow Him to work and lead and transform me into the woman He had made me to be. 

But, all I could see was the mess in front of me- the mound of failures, faults, insecurities, and mistakes that was too big to climb out of. So, instead, I started to let it bury me and swallow me up. 

It took a long time for me to see the way out. And, it was only by the grace of God that I could see my heavenly Father valued me much more than a so called friend who didn't want to walk with me through it. It was hard to trust again, and I believe I stayed guarded for a long time, but God doesn't leave you in your mess. And, when you get yourself back in another mound, He pulls you out again and again, brushing off the debris and setting you on solid ground as He gently pushes you in the right direction. My God is such a good God. He is so, so good.

Now that I can see clearly, and my heap of a mess has slowly become more of a rolling hill, all I can do is keep praising my Father for His unending mercies and how He lovingly guides me as I surrender to Him and allow Him to continually transform me into a new creation day after day. Because, it is a daily process. If anyone says they are where they need to be, they are a liar. Our journey is a process that will not be completed until we leave this earth. I am so thankful for this experience because it taught me to be loving and gracious with God's children, no matter what stage they are in. I believe in correcting, but I want to learn how to correct in love the way my Father does. I don't ever point out a fault in my children, then not teach them how to correct it. So, why would I do that to someone else? It isn't loving to point out something broken, then not give the tools needed to fix it. 

It took me a long time to heal from this experience. I was devastated. This person was someone I really had grown to love and respect. I saw her as better than me, in every way. And, I did need correction. But, I also needed grace. Now that I am on the other side of my mound, I thank God that I can learn from this and be His hands and feet to bless others and tell the story of a girl who was terrified to be herself but that God changed  into a confident woman to be used for His kingdom; What an honor! God truly is the Redeemer. He takes us in our mess and molds us into a beautiful piece of art- slowly shaping and fine tuning us day after day. I don't know about you, but the thought of my Savior holding me in His hands like a potter, shaping me into His very own creation, brings me to my knees. I want to be that lump of clay. I want to be that moldable mess that He can work with. I just want Him.

So when you look at your life and where you are at, tell Him, "Have your way in me, Lord." Let Him pull you out, dust you off, and move forward because you are not stuck in your mess. He has the way out. And when you meet someone stuck in their mess, stretch out your hand, get a rope or a winch if you have to, and pull them out inch by inch until they, too, can see the way out. 

I am a beautifully, broken mess. And, so are you. But, guess what? That's right where God wants you, so that He can use you.