Who I Am, Who I Am Not

Wow. I'm sitting here in silence!! My wonderful hubby took the two big kids to town, and baby is sound asleep. This truly is a rarity. And so I write...

I have for a while now wanted to write about something quite personal. I have not found the time to put my thoughts down on paper so to speak in regard to this topic. But, here it goes...

I am unpopular. Even unlikeable, if you will. I am not getting down on myself, or being negative. Really, I'm not. I will try to explain.

As long as I can remember, I have had trouble with friends. Now, sometimes this has been my own issue, sometimes it is the other person. And, even at times, it has been both. My insecurities have a root, but we won't go there today. But, nonetheless, it has caused me some major heartache. Some had stayed with me through my trials, others have gone for whatever reason or another. I have been hurt, and I'm sure I have hurt my share as well. 

It has been a long road. When I moved to BC 5 years ago, I had no friends. And, I needed some desperately. I had moved 2 Provinces over and felt lonely. And so I did something I had never before done, EVER!! I sought out friends. I learned a lot along the way; some good, and some bad. I learned a lot about myself, who I am and who I am not. And, I am NOT popular. I never have been. And, this used to bother me. You see, I have never really fit in. And, I spent a lot of my life trying to fit in. You know the saying, a square peg trying to fit in a round hole? Yep, that's me. Or, at least it was. Until I realized I simply don't want to fit in. I don't like big groups of people and am quite content to be on my own, or to be with one or two really good friends that I can share my heart with.

God has put people in my life in the last year or so that truly "get" me, and I am so grateful. When I stopped trying to be someone I wasn't,  He blessed me with good, healthy friendships. I think I'll always be "unlikeable" to some. There are people who wouldn't even give me a chance based on what they think they know about me. Even people who have gotten to know me and didn't like what they saw. And, that's ok. You see, I'm becoming ok with that. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin; letting go of what I thought I should be and being, well, me. 

God has brought people into my life that have allowed me to share the innermost parts of myself in a way that has stripped me of my insecurities and left me vulnerable, but also left me feeling loved and accepted. There is a running joke with one such friend where we often say "you know you're good friends when you give birth in the other's bathtub and your placenta is in her freezer!"  Yup, doesn't get more personal than that! God has taken a girl who was afraid of being herself and turned her into someone who is happy with who she is and who has been able to get real and raw with some really great people.

I have also learned another big lesson: not everyone is going to like you. And, some people really are more likeable than others, I suppose. But, God will send you the right people. 

I have been told that I expect too much from my friends. Well, I don't believe that to be true. I do however believe we all put expectations on eachother, whether we think we do or not (like I think it's fair to say we all expect our friends not to gossip about us, or maybe you expect your friends to not stand you up without calling, etc). And, perhaps some of your expectations in a friendship don't match someone else's, which is ok too. More lessons learned, I suppose. 

I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I tend to get hurt easily and take things quite personally. But, I'm learning not to. And I am so thankful for the precious friends God has blessed me with that have helped me accept myself, flaws and all. I am a work in progress and, thankfully, God is not finished with me yet...