Exposed
This is me. Raw. Naked. Exposed. This is my story.
Where to start. Hmmm...
The story I want to tell starts with, perhaps, the birth of my second child. Perhaps it was sooner. But, this is where we will start. After my second child, a beautiful, healthy baby girl, I had 4 sleepless nights. Correction. I had many "sleepless" nights with both children. These 4 nights really were sleepless; 4 nights awake with absolutely no sleep. I didn't know why. I sat on my couch (I still remember the day) and felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. So, I went to the hospital in search for answers. Any answers.
Long story short, in attempt to find relief from the insomnia, and to relieve the intense anxiety I was experiencing, I did what the doctors told me to do (even though up until this point I was against any kind of long term medication) and I went on a combination of anxiety medication and sleeping pills. And, here I am, over 4 years later. Struggling. Surviving. Struggling and surviving.
I have a 6 year old boy who, I am sure if "diagnosed", they would tell me he has something or another. But, really, he's got a lot of energy, has trouble focusing, and has a great heart. I have an almost 5 year old girl who will test any limit she is given; a true rebel. I stay at home with my two high spirited children all day everyday, teaching them, mentoring them, guiding them. You know how people think you must be so patient to be a homeschooling mom? Yeah, I hear that one all the time. Inside, I am thinking "oh yeah, I've got tons of patience; I'm medicated!" And, still, on meds, this job is hard. Not difficult. Not tough at times. It's plain hard. Almost always. Not hard to love them. Not hard to be their mom. It's just hard. Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to burst from my chest. Not burst with joy, but with anguish. I am weak. I am broken. And, so, I draw on the Lord's strength. And, when I forget to do so (which is far too often) I fail. I am failing. Falling. But, I get back up and take tiny steps forward. Small, miniscule steps, but victories nonetheless. And, I keep trying. I beat myself up. I am my own worst enemy. Insecure. But, me and my God are working on that.
But, here is the twist. The point I want to get to. After our daughter was born, my husband and I made a decision for my husband to have a vasectomy; to permanently keep are family a family of 4. Seemed perfect. A boy and a girl. Perfect. And, I just didn't think I could have any more in the "state" I was in. I couldn't see myself ever wanting more. And, I thought even if I wanted more, I didn't want the option; I knew I would probably "forget" how hard it was and possibly change my mind and didn't want to give myself that opportunity. So, we made the decision and had it done.
Now...I want a baby. I am still struggling. Surviving. But, what I am learning, is we all have our stuff. Everyone has something to overcome. This is mine. But, God has put this on my heart; to bring another life into this family. And, so, my husband will be having another surgery at the end of this month. Some think it's crazy. Some think it is just plain wrong. God thinks we are obedient. He thinks we are blessed. He thinks it is beautiful.
Three days ago (after meeting with my doctor) I started the process of "weaning" off of my meds. It will take about 4 weeks, and I should be ready to start trying for a baby as soon as my hubby is "ready". So, I have exhausted all of my natural and baby-safe options for anxiety and sleep aids. I am eager to start that process; to get my body healthy and ready to house another human being. And, praying...praying like crazy that we will be blessed with another child. We have taken every step of faith that we know, and now must trust God. And, often, that can be hard too. But, here I am; Raw. Naked. Exposed. Waiting on God's perfect timing. Praying this is indeed His will. I believe it is. God always chooses life. I don't believe my personal limitations limit God. He is limitless! He can break through anything. And, through Him, I am an overcomer. This seems so big to me. But, it's not. Not to Him. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.
So, why am I telling you all of this? Not to judge me. Not to get you on "my side" or to convince you of anything. Not to air my dirty laundry. Pray. Pray for our family. Pray for God's will. Pray for His perfect timing. Pray for my husbands' safety as he travels for his operation, during his procedure, and comes home safely. Pray for my strength. Pray for sleep. For rest. For peace.
This is me. This is my story.
Where to start. Hmmm...
The story I want to tell starts with, perhaps, the birth of my second child. Perhaps it was sooner. But, this is where we will start. After my second child, a beautiful, healthy baby girl, I had 4 sleepless nights. Correction. I had many "sleepless" nights with both children. These 4 nights really were sleepless; 4 nights awake with absolutely no sleep. I didn't know why. I sat on my couch (I still remember the day) and felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. So, I went to the hospital in search for answers. Any answers.
Long story short, in attempt to find relief from the insomnia, and to relieve the intense anxiety I was experiencing, I did what the doctors told me to do (even though up until this point I was against any kind of long term medication) and I went on a combination of anxiety medication and sleeping pills. And, here I am, over 4 years later. Struggling. Surviving. Struggling and surviving.
I have a 6 year old boy who, I am sure if "diagnosed", they would tell me he has something or another. But, really, he's got a lot of energy, has trouble focusing, and has a great heart. I have an almost 5 year old girl who will test any limit she is given; a true rebel. I stay at home with my two high spirited children all day everyday, teaching them, mentoring them, guiding them. You know how people think you must be so patient to be a homeschooling mom? Yeah, I hear that one all the time. Inside, I am thinking "oh yeah, I've got tons of patience; I'm medicated!" And, still, on meds, this job is hard. Not difficult. Not tough at times. It's plain hard. Almost always. Not hard to love them. Not hard to be their mom. It's just hard. Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to burst from my chest. Not burst with joy, but with anguish. I am weak. I am broken. And, so, I draw on the Lord's strength. And, when I forget to do so (which is far too often) I fail. I am failing. Falling. But, I get back up and take tiny steps forward. Small, miniscule steps, but victories nonetheless. And, I keep trying. I beat myself up. I am my own worst enemy. Insecure. But, me and my God are working on that.
But, here is the twist. The point I want to get to. After our daughter was born, my husband and I made a decision for my husband to have a vasectomy; to permanently keep are family a family of 4. Seemed perfect. A boy and a girl. Perfect. And, I just didn't think I could have any more in the "state" I was in. I couldn't see myself ever wanting more. And, I thought even if I wanted more, I didn't want the option; I knew I would probably "forget" how hard it was and possibly change my mind and didn't want to give myself that opportunity. So, we made the decision and had it done.
Now...I want a baby. I am still struggling. Surviving. But, what I am learning, is we all have our stuff. Everyone has something to overcome. This is mine. But, God has put this on my heart; to bring another life into this family. And, so, my husband will be having another surgery at the end of this month. Some think it's crazy. Some think it is just plain wrong. God thinks we are obedient. He thinks we are blessed. He thinks it is beautiful.
Three days ago (after meeting with my doctor) I started the process of "weaning" off of my meds. It will take about 4 weeks, and I should be ready to start trying for a baby as soon as my hubby is "ready". So, I have exhausted all of my natural and baby-safe options for anxiety and sleep aids. I am eager to start that process; to get my body healthy and ready to house another human being. And, praying...praying like crazy that we will be blessed with another child. We have taken every step of faith that we know, and now must trust God. And, often, that can be hard too. But, here I am; Raw. Naked. Exposed. Waiting on God's perfect timing. Praying this is indeed His will. I believe it is. God always chooses life. I don't believe my personal limitations limit God. He is limitless! He can break through anything. And, through Him, I am an overcomer. This seems so big to me. But, it's not. Not to Him. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.
So, why am I telling you all of this? Not to judge me. Not to get you on "my side" or to convince you of anything. Not to air my dirty laundry. Pray. Pray for our family. Pray for God's will. Pray for His perfect timing. Pray for my husbands' safety as he travels for his operation, during his procedure, and comes home safely. Pray for my strength. Pray for sleep. For rest. For peace.
This is me. This is my story.
You know we are praying!
ReplyDeleteI love this. And you know I am the same- anxiety, but trusting God. This story encourages me Sara. I love your heart. Thanks for sharing. We will be praying :)
ReplyDelete